Apparently you make a good broom.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
