I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
