I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She bit a glass in half.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
