He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
