He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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