i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
