these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
