She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
