Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
