Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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