i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
