And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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