I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
