I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
