Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
