A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
