Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
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he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize