i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
