do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
