It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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