he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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