I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
