OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
