i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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