Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
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I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
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I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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