Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
