69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
