i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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