even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
