areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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