I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
bring money and cleavage
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
