i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
