I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize