i was born a porn star she said
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
