how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
