What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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