My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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