2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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