It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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