Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
