When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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