I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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