Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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