he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
