1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
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plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
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If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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