Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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