He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
