This is not my ceiling
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
