I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
