Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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