I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
