Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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