He asked to "fluff my boner.."
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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