Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
