My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
