The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
