Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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