He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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