he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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